It’s late, but I just had a conversation with a guy that begs some
feedback.  He thinks that he’d just know within a little bit of
hanging out with a girl whether or not she was the one and was shocked
that I would need more than an hour or two to figure it out.  I
was saying that to be really sure, I’d definitely want a lot more
time.  I guess it’s pretty obvious what most people would tend to
say about something like this, but honestly, perhaps there’s something
to what he’s claiming.  Maybe any extra hang-out time really would
be to just make sure…is it possible that if I had to ask myself
whether I wanted to pursue a girl after a whole day or two of being
around her then I clearly shouldn’t be going for her? 

In another time of my life I probably wouldn’t even be questioning this
stuff, but I guess he really got me thinking.  Is it really
important that I be blown-away captivated by her immediately? 


15 Responses to “”

  1. Nope. That puts way too much  pressure on the beginning of the relationship, and saps all of the fun if you’re not both at the same place. And if you get to be anything like I was at some points, it’s hard to meet a girl who’s NOT the one after a while. With Jeanna, I had a good idea pretty early on, but she didn’t… I had a lot of work to do.
    Her dad, from the start told me he wanted us to date for at least 2 years before we even thought of marraige. Felt crazy at the time, but is one of the smartest things I’ve ever seen. The first year was bliss…second year… hell… but when it came time to get married, we knew each other. The good and the bad, how we responded to conflict, how we responded to each other, that no matter how hard things get, we would rather  be together than apart.
    That’s my 2 cents. Even if you think you know, take your time, have fun, and see what happens.

  2. I definitely think that there is a lot of wisdom to what you’re saying.  I agree with both of you but at the same time, I’ve dated guys for 1, 2, 3 years and even married one of them.  None of them turned out to be the “right guy”.  In the end, I kind of felt like I wasted my time and yet I learned something from each of the relationships.  My current marriage?  We had a short dating period and we’re both VERY honest about where we are personally, spiritually and financially.  We’re compatible and unselfish enough to want eachother to reach our hopes and dreams and we both love most of the same things.  I didn’t see any reason to wait any longer.  Married, 1 year and 3 months… things are still great!

  3. well, wouldnt i just love to be the girl who blew away and captivated the guy.  that would certainly be nice, but if it doesnt happen that way i wont be disappointed.  who wants something sudden anyway?  i’d prefer a lingering and intriguing friendship truth be told.  facades are too rampant these days.  how can you know by whom you are being blown away if you don’t stop and spend quality time with them – find out who they truly are? people who wear their hearts on their sleeves are hard to come by these days, and i dont fall in love til i know someone’s heart! (even then, it seems i dont always get it right.) i think i’m just gonna have to leave this one to God.

  4. Well, the other dude and I agreed that we seem to just be a bit different in the way we think about things!

  5. Here is what I think although its probably not a really novel concept.. I know internally so much of what I want that I can normally tell in a few conversations if there is no chance, no desire.. and this is the majority of girls. those which could be “the one” will need a relationship to ever find out. but I feel like, by 6 months into that relationship, I deep down inside know if I want to live life with her and if/how it would work out in marriage. I’ve done two 2.5 year relationships and don’t need anymore ones that go that long and don’t work out.

  6. i’m with chris. take your time. really get to know them. take it from someone who married too young, and had to fight tooth and nail to stay married. and we knew each other for 3 years before we got married!! of course, 19 is just too young. haha. i believe you can sometimes know the “nos” right away, but not the “yeses”. if that makes sense. but don’t listen to me – i’ve never been a dating adult.
    oh, by the way, hi, i’ve seen you around and never posted before.

  7. No, it makes sense.  I remember back in my freshman/sophomore years at Rice, I was considering so many interesting girls that I hung out with, and I never went for any of them because I would decide for some set of reasons that each one in turn probably wasn’t the girl I should marry (thus I didn’t want to get into a relationship with them).  So based on what you and I are saying, if you know it’s a “no”, then stay away, but when you can’t say it’s a “no” then give it some time and see…

  8. I don’t want to say that no one can “know” right away, because I think there are definitely situations where that happens. Those are probably the exception rather than the rule, though. In my own life, there have been a lot of different guys who made me go “wow” right away, for a variety of reasons (some godly and some not so godly), but the guy I ended up marrying, who is more amazing than I could have ever asked for, is someone I thought of as “shy and boring” for 3 1/2 years before we finally got to know each other in a variety of different settings where I could see who he really was. (And I realized he’s not boring at all!) 🙂 So that initial impression can be more about attraction than compatibility, I think.

  9. You may not have gotten the first post, karinsof, but I think you caught my attention the most!

  10. Let’s see… psych of gender lesson #4,328… men tend to hold the more romantic ideals and women tend to be the more practical sex… men are more likely to believe in love at first sight, for example.  what do I think?  i agree with karinsof that it can happen but would be more of the exception than the rule.  I guess my practical side takes over and says how can you really know if that person is for you or not after a couple hours?  And is there really “the one” out there for you?  That’s a whole post of it’s own, I suppose

  11. Its a hard nut to crack. I say different people, different situations. However, it seems to me that I know more happily married folks who took the long route. Even those who “knew for sure that they didn’t feel attracted to one another” and ended up being suprised by genuine love after years of friendship relating.

  12. Listen – I think it’s an idea that has merit.  I mean – you probably knew after spending 5 minute with me at Vineyard 101 lunch that you weren’t going to marry me, right?

  13. Nah, I don’t think you’re one of the “no” ones that’s easy to rule out right away.

  14. well, let me tell you, i have a lot of friends who are from India. knowing them has seriously blown out of the water all my ideas on how you get to know and marry someone. i think american christians have a tendency to take our cultural ideas and spiritualize them, fit some kind of christian reasoning to them. in the end, though our cultural ways of finding people and marrying them may be completely valid, i think there is far from “one way” to go about what am i talking about more concretely. in india, the arranged marriage system is alive and well. parents search for a spouse for their child, based on some very practical, basic concerns: a good family, a good education, having the possible spouse meet the parents/grandparents and seeing how their attitudes are, talking to people who know the person to see what their nature is like. christians in india do the same thing, and some of my indian christian friends have adamantly defended arranged marriage as the best thing for christians. these friends of mine would be apalled that you could decide if someone is “the one” in a short amount of time. how would you know if you are compatible? what about knowing about their background? hearing from other people who know the person what kind of person they are? “as a christian, that would be very unwise to do” (their quote). it’s hard to argue when they point to their low divorce rates compared to american high divorce rates (even among evangelical christians)in any case, i use this just to illustrate the point that even culturally there are so many different ways people end up with the spouses they marry, and i think it’s hard (or almost impossible) to make a biblical argument for one over another. my personal philosophy is that once you know a person well, that’s enough to know if he/she is the one you want. if you can know a person well in two days, sure. but most people it would take a long time to know well, and so a long time to know if they are “the one”. just my two cents.

  15. Anonymous Says:

    Thanks for your posts. I’ll see you next wed. : )
    Hmm as for your interesting question, I think these days I won’t like someone just because she’s gorgeous, even if she has a heart of gold. So I don’t have to be captivated by her in the beginning at all.

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