Jo pointed out something funny at life group tonight.  A few of us
had broken into a small group for prayer and the girls really spilled
their guts, whereas the guys mentioned things like a performance review
at work or some sort of financial decision…  The truth is,
there’s plenty going on with me, but I guess I didn’t know how to
express it.  I guess I feel like it’s stuff that God wants me to
deal with with him, or let him deal with one-on-one with me…then
again, maybe I should just try to figure out how to express it

I’ve felt tired and stressed out sometimes lately without feeling like
I should feel very tired and stressed out, because really, I definitely
see blessings piling into my life one on top of the other, and this has
been going on for a while.  I get to show up at work late and
leave early sometimes, and I like the new job, and I’ve been getting to
have fun besides.  Sometimes I even get to go home for lunch since
I live just a few minutes from downtown. 

On Monday, I realized I didn’t have food at home, so I stopped for a
fish sandwich at Burger King (not that many options nearby).  I
guess those take a little longer, so they had me drive forward. 
Then the guy behind me started honking, and I told him I hadn’t gotten
my food yet, and he said he really needed to get out, and I asked him
where he wanted me to go, and then I pulled my head back inside and
ignored him a bit.  I think there was another honk so I pulled out
onto Westheimer and let it pass, and then get this–I reversed on
Westheimer and backed up into the drive-through.  I waited. 
Still no fish and fries, and then the next car started honking at
me.  I honked back a few times.  Finally I squealed my tires
3 times as I pulled out onto Westheimer and then kind of around into a
neighboring parking lot.  I saw these Mexican guys looking at me
from inside the Burger King, and pretty soon after that this Mexican
lady came outside with my order.  She was walking pretty
hurriedly, and I pasted some sort of blank, friendly expression on my
face as if everyone inside hadn’t heard everything that had
happened.  Why did I do that?  Any of that? 

Honestly, why should I care if I need to pull around to let others pass
by?  I mean, it’s the nice, servanty kind of thing to do, but
besides that, it’s just that easy.  I think I just had a lot going
on inside already, and to top it all off, I’d been feeling physically
bad all morning.  In discussing some stuff with my roommate, I
realized for the first time that maybe I had been under a bit of
spiritual attack that day…regardless, I guess a lot has been on my
mind lately (girls, marriage, what I’m doing with my life, reasons why
I might not want to get married anytime soon because there might be
some stuff I want to do first), things have heated up at work all of a
sudden, and I haven’t had much free time in the past couple of weeks
since I’ve been doing things like staying up late working on my bro’s
wedding website.  And I haven’t been running, or attending to the
place I moved into OVER A MONTH AGO, yada yada yada, and I’m planning
on getting up at like 5:30 in the morning and then sitting through a
3-hour musical tomorrow night after trying to alternate between working
and compulsively reading my xanga subscriptions all day tomorrow. 

Let’s just say I really felt the presence of God when I put it all out
there before him after I got home.  My housemate came home and we
talked a bit, but now he’s trying to get some guy to go camping with
them at Lake Travis again this weekend, so I think I’ll get in some
more time with the big guy right now before I lay me down to
sleep.  I don’t know if he’ll make the girl thing or any of the
other things super easy like I sometimes think I want, but I believe
it’s really true that he can handle the furious cravings of my heart
better than anyone else despite the fact that I usually go to others
for satisfaction first. 

So, after my little Burger King incident, I came home and slept for
about an hour and a half.  Counting all the driving and fish
waiting and tire squealing time, I’ll bet I left work for about 2 and
half hours.  Often when I’m getting to work late or leaving early,
I’ll ask God to please, please, please not let anyone on my team try to
chat with me while I’m not there so they won’t figure out how long I’m
not there or whatever (I sit far from my team at the moment), and man,
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked up to my computer and been
so relieved not to see a chat window open! 

I guess this is a wee bit long.  That’s ok.  I probably only
want the readers who really care to read it anyway. 


6 Responses to “”

  1. hmmmm… as one of those gut-spilling girls from tonight, I say that this is good stuff. Thanks for sharing.

  2. And the moral of the story is… never order “fish” at BK.   Speaking of food, how about lunch @ Droubi’s next Tuesday?  Invite Chris (I think that’s his name…) too.

  3. yeah…. me too.  I know where you are coming from.  I too have many things to be thankful for, but am feeling challenged too.  Challenged in a sense that I want to be angry but God won’t let me.  When it comes to getting my way (not necessarily God’s) there’s always all of these little obstacles in front of me.  Annoying but at the same time…. it’s like I feel God’s finger tapping me on the shoulder… begging for attention.
    I guess I better just do it.  What am I afraid of anyway?  He’s always been really good to me.  I will be praying for ya’ Steph…. take care!

  4. this is one of the reasons that i cant decide whether to boycott or embrace xanga.  while it affords us the opportunity to spill our guts in a less invasive and more “safe” atmosphere, i kind of just think it is a cop out to having real relationships and conversations with people. i have to be honest and say that i would rather sit down with all my home groupies and get to know them in that way, one-on-one, face-to-fae. totally not picking on you, because i am completely guilty of the very same online spillage.  i am really proud of all the xanga (guys especially) who let themselves be a little vulnerable in their posts, but i would really encourage everyone to embrace the fellowship that is a gift from the Lord.  while you may be right that there are some things that God wants to deal with personally in your life, lately i have realized that i would be remiss to not take advantage of the body of Christ that He has given to us so that we don’t have to do it alone.

  5. Hmmm…nice comment.  I feel like I want to make a point of saying I can share with people easily enough, but there’s no need for me to get into that.  I think it was just a little easier for me to collect my thoughts with a keyboard under my fingertips.  And then all that list of stuff on my mind…after I slept on it, I realized that it didn’t seem so bad–just normal living of life!

  6. Yeah, life will throw all kinds of stuff at you…including sometimes stuff like the Burger King incident (for some reason, driving tends to bring out the angry-rude-ness in a lot of people, myself definitely included, which is why I try to avoid driving when I can), but the good thing is that in the midst of all those things on your frustration list, you’re seeking the presence of God. And those who seek find! 🙂

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